I Don’t Know What I’m Doing aka How Sway?

Nobody sits down to have a hard conversation with a parent feeling ready.

It’s not weakness. It’s old honesty. The truth is in sitting across from the one who raised, or… was supposed to raise you, opening something that was meant to stay closed. The truth is slammed doors, old kitchen stains and even older stretches of silences, the weight of words that have been waiting to come out.

Most never begin. Not for lack of desire, but simply unknowing how. The truth is: How is beginning with the wrong question.

The problem: How?

How assumes one way. One perfect moment when all lines up. One perfect speech that will allow light to come through without shattering glass. We wait forever for the right way to do something. I’m waiting for your decision.

How is a narrow path. The universe has many ways of delivering something to you. There are a billions of stars you cant see and there is definitely more then one way to reach someone. The conversations you delay do not require a script. It requires willingness. Be imperfect and trust life will follow.

Doubt feels safer then trying. Because if we never find the right way we never have to risk finding out what happens when we do.

The question isn’t how. The question is whether.

Whether you are willing? Whether you’re ready. Whether that old head on the other side of that 10 foot wall you’ve built is worth the discomfort.

Family Pain.

Not all family is easy.  Not every parent is kind & safe. Some moments are not up for discussion during Sunday dinner.

Some of you haven’t spoken to your parents in years.  Some of you speak regularly and still feel like strangers. Some carry burdens that were never given a name. Never spoken out loud. Surface level conversations feel more like heavy excavation. Understood.

Please understand though, the request was never to pretend that past was something it wasn’t.

To offer something I’ve watched play out in my life and those around me.

Healing rests in your understanding. Not forgiveness. Not even resolution. Understanding. The kind that comes from hearing another’s version of events. Seeing them as a complete human being with their own burdens. Their own wounds. Their own limitations.  They started collecting emotional band-aids long before you were born. That kind of understanding changes things.

Don’t make excuses. Make room.

Pandora Keeps Boxing me Out.

She worries about old wounds. Saying more that can’t be unsaid. Rotating cycles that don’t break or slow down. & repeated confirmations are enflaming. &  your fear isn’t imaginary.

But here is what I have come to believe.

We’ve all been broken, or at least got cracked up a little. It lives in your flinches. In constantly picking the same person that doesn’t work out. Patterns. & in doing what you said you never would.

Your box is already open.  You’re outside looking away.

& on the other side of looking in and simply acknowledging it’s contents, is something that begins to feel like pleasure. The decision to begin.

Understand is not agreement. Healing is not forgetting. Accountability still exists. Walking away from a diffult convo with even more questions than answers is still progress. It’s still a shift.

You were never trained for this

You are not judged on your quality. You do not need to enlist a professional or carefully prepare words to elicit the perfect storm to rain down on them.

It only needs a question. A single honest one.

What was life like for you before I was born?

Is there something between us you wish had gone differently?

What do you want me to understand about you that I probably don't?

These questions are still not easy. There’s no guarantee of success. but I wish i had the chance to ask those questions. No jump backs for me. So at least… I know they are real.

A real honest question?

How is irrelevant. The universe exists. Its just a matter of the day’s weather.

Whether the sun shall shine or I permit my eyes to let the rain fall.

Your here for a brighter day.

3 questions

Is there a conversation you have been avoiding with someone you love & what are you actually afraid will happen if you have it?

What would you need to believe about yourself to feel like you deserved the answers you're looking for?

If the person you're afraid to talk to could hear one thing from you without responding, what would you want them to know?

— Wesley Onesler

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